First, let me introduce myself to you as A Certain Tainted L.A.D.Y. This blog will dissect the things that most people won’t admit aloud to themselves, let alone anyone else. I am here to sacrifice myself. No comment or opinion can be any harsher than the reality that I sometimes create for myself. I am open and consider this open season.
L.A.D.Y. = Love Addiction / Destroying Yourself. Throughout this blog, I will address exactly what this acronym means to me, but for now you can form your own ideas.
I decided to start this blog because I asked someone a question that prompted me to dig for an answer myself.
I asked: “Do you want to fall in love? Like honestly, think about it, is love what you’re missing across the board?” The reply I got was pretty general, but sincere, nonetheless. The admittance that they honestly could not say that they’ve experienced love on an intimate level was not mind boggling to me, simply because so many of us go through the motions, but we don’t truly experience that intimacy. I actually responded in a way to admitting that i have experienced love, not to brag, but to let them know they are not in a boat alone; for all the love I have experienced has been tainted.
However, I still seek love. Tainted and all, I have not yet been turned off from the idea that love still exists and is beautiful.
I am actually uneasy at the thought of inflicting tainted love on someone else. How dare I give to someone what I wish was not given to me? It really should not be hard. But the reality is that it is more difficult than I could ever imagine. You think you’re dumb for staying put in that dead end relationship, don’t you? I mean now that you can see clearly, you have different insight, but when you are blind, you have only what vision someone else designates to you. May I dig deeper?
You feel you gave your all and got nothing in return? Im correct, aren’t I?
Well newsflash, you’re the smartest person I know right now. You’re a better person for leaving that ugly space empty handed. You’re less likely to enter someone else’s world and wreak old havoc. When people make statements aimed at us creating our own mess, they are usually DNA percentages correct. Majority of the time, we don’t leave much up for chance. We singlehandedly make our own recipes for our success or our demise.
I challenge you not to rob Peter to pay Paul. You’re thinking “what is she talking about?” Well it is simple. Don’t blame Paul for your downfall, if you’re not willing to give him credit for your achievements, and treat Peter just the same. That saying is simply justifying your negative actions, at the hand of another. How many of our relationships leave us feeling like we have to do this because of that? And if we really think about it, we had more choices, we just chose to ignore them?
However, let’s go back to the praise that we owe ourselves. Give yourself the approval you’re seeking, I beg of you. The less baggage you’ve got, the easier it is to carry. (But let’s make a mental note that baggage doesn’t have to be carried to be present; we’ll just leave that right there for now.) Let’s think of packing light or not at all as a good thing. More people will welcome us in if we don’t present to be ready to take over. Plan on being a visitor for awhile, instead of aiming to make permanent residence.
We could prevent some of those temporarily permanent debates that we all have had more than once. Or maybe yours are permanently temporary. Either way, you know exactly what I am talking about. The Mr. Wrong that was definitely Mr. Right Now, yet we pretended as if we didn’t see that extension. So we started giving Mr. Right Now, Mr. Right’s pension. So if and when Mr. Right enters into what should have been Mrs. Right Forever, she’s only Ms. What’s Left, and that is usually so confusing, that even she doesn’t know what she has to offer. And we end up in situationships with Mr. Sometime, Mr. On Time, Mr. Not Quite, or Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Often times investing so much of ourselves in these situations that when we look in the mirror, we don’t have a clue who we are anymore. So how do we expect to end up with who or what we deserve?
As confusing as all of that should have been, for most, if not all of us, it made perfect sense. See how we will make something complicated simple? And in like fashion, make something simple, so complicated. We didn’t have to reread it. Some of us may have envisioned exactly who was who and where we were in that moment. I know someone smiled, laughed, or rolled their eyes. No point in trying to argue about who is better than who, because right here, whether you are single, married, separated, divorced, booed up, laying down, born again, or whatever other position you can identify with, we have many similar characteristics.
I have a friend who I always tell that we can share a couch (yes, as in a therapy couch), so I hope they get a chance to enjoy this. And for all who decide to stop by and indulge, thank you in advance for your time, I hope you enjoy it too. I welcome all comments, good, bad, and indifferent. I have more moods than that in an hour, so don’t be shy, I’ll be fine.
A Certain Tainted L.A.D.Y.