Picking My Poison

As a little girl, I dutifully watched my grandmother cater to the every need of my grandfather. He was most deserving of it. I admired how he made sure she got what she needed and she in return made sure he needed not. It was the perfect example of interdependence. I grew up knowing that one day, I would too be this type of woman. I would find a husband and I would make sure that his needs were met, as a part of my daily routine.

I remember my grandmother making big southern style meals on a regular basis. When we stayed in the summer, she made two meals, because there was no way she would convince us new generation kids to eat pig feet, liver, frog legs, crackling bread, etc. However, we would love to join our papa for dinner, so that we could indulge in his dessert because we knew if we didn’t eat every morsel of food, dessert was not an option. I won’t say that my papa didn’t eat left overs, but I will say my grandmother made sure he didn’t have to.

She woke up early every morning, cleaning the house, washing clothes, starting on breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The only time we ever ate fast food with my grandparents was on an occasional road trip. The refrigerator, cabinets, deep freezer, and pantry were always full. And although my grandmother made us wake up entirely too early on summer break in my opinion, I admired how much that little, mighty woman got done on a regular basis. I still look at her to this day with admiration. I know that times have changed and her shoes, although in reality are smaller than mine, are too big for me to ever fill.

This leads me to the point of this post…my first mistake as a child was believing that I would find a husband! That made me believe that my purpose was to seek, not be sought! I know for a fact that my papa pursued my grandma, I know my dad pursued my mother. So of course, quite naturally, I should be pursued, but I have done my share of pursuing too. And the problem in pursuit is that you look for particulars, this creates the opportunity for disguise.

If I am looking for a kind man, I will do a few things 1) I’ll hint at it 2) I’ll make myself see it in their actions 3) I’ll focus on it, missing other disqualifying factors 4) I’ll grade with a curve. Notice in all of those things, I am dictating what I want. Seeking a relationship in a subjective manner versus an objective manner can be problematic in the long haul. The reason is simple, you will not be the only person in the relationship. As women, we must admit that we are very subjective in cases where we need to be objective. We have to stop seeing with our feelings and start seeing with our eyes.

Women’s hearts and minds have to be the best example of “frenemies” ever!! We will fall for something in our hearts that we know in our minds makes no sense at all. Yet we will pursue it full speed ahead. We will engage in behaviors that have no real benefit to us past the moment, leaving us with long term repair, dwelling on why that one behavior was not worth it for weeks, months, and God forbid, years. This ladies is an absolute turn off to the guy who is honestly pursuing you (make a mental note of that), although he may be too much of a gentleman to tell you so. Applause for the few who take the chance to help you realize your own demise. We will try to chew him up and eat him alive.

Let us not go without acknowledging that the type of men we encounter has majorly changed. The family has decomposed, therefore so is how we think of its structure. Tradition has become a thing of the past. We view moral breakdown as a norm. The blame is on us all. But for us ladies, we have seemingly accepted “all men are …” statements as gospel. All the while, not taking away from them, but instead ourselves. Again, subjectivity is a silent assassin. We fool ourselves into believing that “at least he doesn’t/I don’t have to…” statements, as if one negative trait is better than the other.

Think about cheating, mainly because that is one of the biggest relationship issues. Is an open cheater worse than a sneaky cheater? If a man cheats on his girlfriend, is that okay because they are not married? If a man cheats once, is he better than the man that cheats twice? In my opinion, cheating is cheating. For many, their subjective views define their idea of what is acceptable or unacceptable. Many of us pick our own poison. Fact of the matter is all ofthese questions are formed around one thing, cheating.

In reality, we reason with ourselves to form what we want to have in our lives. Be honest, how many people have you dealt with that you had to have a trial and be the judge and jury for, in your head? I know a lot personally and I am not ashamed to admit that I ultimately sucked in my deliberation more times that I did well. I’ve made many bad choices based off of good intentions, but I was being subjective, only going off of my own opinions and emotions. I had no idea at that moment, but I have learned a great deal about myself lately.

I’ve learned how to admit that I myself sometimes, am the problem. I have walked into doors that I should have run out of. I have stayed in places that I was never even welcome in the first place. I have created relationships with people who consistently no verbally told me they wanted no parts. I have chose to be treated like the other and enjoyed it. I have done some downright awful things to deserving and undeserving people. I am not at all perfect. I’ve been too dependent on people who weren’t dependable at all. I’ve worked way too hard to win over people. I have chased love where love did not exist. This is the only time that being subjective has proved to work for me, when in all actuality, it is being objective.

My papa is not alive for me to ask what he thought of his marriage to my grandmother. I have too much respect for their union to even question my grandma trying to find some negative angle. What I know is that I observed what worked for them. And the day my husband finds me, we will find what works for us. It will not be easy, but anything worth it never is.

Until that day, I have to be dedicated to working on me because fact is, my personal madness plays a role in the success or failure of all my relationships. No, I am not letting them off the hook easy, I am allowing myself not to be held back by others shortcomings. There is a major difference.

Now dig deep ladies and gentlemen…what’s the poison you’ve picked or still picking?

My poison has always been fairytale love…

 

A Certain Tainted L.A.D.Y.

First, let me introduce myself to you as A Certain Tainted L.A.D.Y. This blog will dissect the things that most people won’t admit aloud to themselves, let alone anyone else. I am here to sacrifice myself. No comment or opinion can be any harsher than the reality that I sometimes create for myself. I am open and consider this open season.

L.A.D.Y. = Love Addiction / Destroying Yourself. Throughout this blog, I will address exactly what this acronym means to me, but for now you can form your own ideas.

I decided to start this blog because I asked someone a question that prompted me to dig for an answer myself.

I asked: “Do you want to fall in love? Like honestly, think about it, is love what you’re missing across the board?” The reply I got was pretty general, but sincere, nonetheless. The admittance that they honestly could not say that they’ve experienced love on an intimate level was not mind boggling to me, simply because so many of us go through the motions, but we don’t truly experience that intimacy. I actually responded in a way to admitting that i have experienced love, not to brag, but to let them know they are not in a boat alone; for all the love I have experienced has been tainted.

However, I still seek love. Tainted and all, I have not yet been turned off from the idea that love still exists and is beautiful.

I am actually uneasy at the thought of inflicting tainted love on someone else. How dare I give to someone what I wish was not given to me?  It really should not be hard. But the reality is that it is more difficult than I could ever imagine. You think you’re dumb for staying put in that dead end relationship, don’t you? I mean now that you can see clearly, you have different insight, but when you are blind, you have only what vision someone else designates to you. May I dig deeper?

You feel you gave your all and got nothing in return? Im correct, aren’t I?

Well newsflash, you’re the smartest person I know right now. You’re a better person for leaving that ugly space empty handed. You’re less likely to enter someone else’s world and wreak old havoc. When people make statements aimed at us creating our own mess, they are usually DNA percentages correct. Majority of the time, we don’t leave much up for chance. We singlehandedly make our own recipes for our success or our demise.

I challenge you not to rob Peter to pay Paul. You’re thinking “what is she talking about?” Well it is simple. Don’t blame Paul for your downfall, if you’re not willing to give him credit for your achievements, and treat Peter just the same. That saying is simply justifying your negative actions, at the hand of another. How many of our relationships leave us feeling like we have to do this because of that? And if we really think about it, we had more choices, we just chose to ignore them?

However, let’s go back to the praise that we owe ourselves. Give yourself the approval you’re seeking, I beg of you. The less baggage you’ve got, the easier it is to carry. (But let’s make a mental note that baggage doesn’t have to be carried to be present; we’ll just leave that right there for now.) Let’s think of packing light or not at all as a good thing. More people will welcome us in if we don’t present to be ready to take over. Plan on being a visitor for awhile, instead of aiming to make permanent residence.

We could prevent some of those temporarily permanent debates that we all have had more than once. Or maybe yours are permanently temporary. Either way, you know exactly what I am talking about. The Mr. Wrong that was definitely Mr. Right Now, yet we pretended as if we didn’t see that extension. So we started giving Mr. Right Now, Mr. Right’s pension. So if and when Mr. Right enters into what should have been Mrs. Right Forever, she’s only Ms. What’s Left, and that is usually so confusing, that even she doesn’t know what she has to offer. And we end up in situationships with Mr. Sometime, Mr. On Time, Mr. Not Quite, or Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Often times investing so much of ourselves in these situations that when we look in the mirror, we don’t have a clue who we are anymore. So how do we expect to end up with who or what we deserve?

As confusing as all of that should have been, for most, if not all of us, it made perfect sense. See how we will make something complicated simple? And in like fashion, make something simple, so complicated. We didn’t have to reread it. Some of us may have envisioned exactly who was who and where we were in that moment. I know someone smiled, laughed, or rolled their eyes. No point in trying to argue about who is better than who, because right here, whether you are single, married, separated, divorced, booed up, laying down, born again, or whatever other position you can identify with, we have many similar characteristics.

I have a friend who I always tell that we can share a couch (yes, as in a therapy couch), so I hope they get a chance to enjoy this. And for all who decide to stop by and indulge, thank you in advance for your time, I hope you enjoy it too. I welcome all comments, good, bad, and indifferent. I have more moods than that in an hour, so don’t be shy, I’ll be fine.

Sincerely,

A Certain Tainted L.A.D.Y.